by Kerry McCoy
1. Purse Dog
This afternoon I got caught growling and making faces at the ugly, snag-toothed Chihuahua barking and slathering at me from the inside of the car parked next to mine at Kroger. Big guy came out of nowhere and caught me mid-jeer. I started to slink away when the guy laughed and said: "This so-called dog spends most of his life sitting in my elderly mother's lap in a purple beaded sweater. She hand feeds him liver sausage and he pees himself if the cat walks past. I snuck him out for a joyride while my mother is at the doctor. I think you just gave him the biggest thrill he's seen in months."
Plus I am pretty sure I could have taken him on. Take that, Purse Dog.
2. Crazy Straw
When my kids were little and got sick, I always gave them a Crazy Straw to get them to drink up their soup. Some things just do not change.
3. Touched by a Love Boat
Oooo .. "Touched By An Angel" is on. Why .. I will just tune that in. Used to be one of my favorites. Haven't seen it in about 15 years or so .. (One hour later .. slack-jawed and drooling .. Not diabetic but in need of insulin) .. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? This is sixty minutes of my life I will never get back! Who are all these hack has beens on this show? Forget it! I am watching Love Boat!
4. Three Downtrodden Children in One
Honestly. I cannot count how many times I begged, cajoled, and demanded that my daughter at least wear a pair of socks with her boots or for heaven's sake zip up your coat! when she zooms off around the block to see her friends or goes out to roll in the snow with the dogs. But the minute I suggest she walk the whole three blocks to Nana's house for school she turns into The Little Match Girl, Oliver Twist, and Orphan Annie all in one who is being cruelly thrust into the Arctic alone and friendless. I can almost hear the violins, Molly. And put on some gloves.
5. That Awful Phone Call
Two years ago today, at approximately 9 in the evening, I got the most dreaded phone call a parent can receive: My then 15 year old son, Patrick, had been in a car accident. Obviously he turned out to be ok, and the accident wasn't his fault (some Yutz decided to drive at night in the rain without his prescription glasses.. Several thousand dollars in settlement later, I bet he regrets that decision), however that phone call from my son was the most terrifying, heart-stopping moment of my life.
Whatever your plans are for this New Year's Eve, (I am doing the usual:Staying home with the kids, eating fattening party food, and falling asleep by 10) have a wonderful, fun time. But please, PLEASE be careful. Don't be responsible for that awful phone call to someone else's mother.
6. Case of the Vanishing Scotch Tape
Yesterday I was the only one home so I decided to wrap the last of the presents. I spread out on the living room floor and got to work. After a bit, I wandered away and when I came back, my Scotch tape was missing. Figuring I had taken it with me, I got another roll. Five minutes later: Scotch tape is missing again. Nervously pushing aside thoughts of Christmas ghosts and such, I put everything away and pretended nothing happened.
This morning, while rummaging in the basement, I came across a stash in the corner containing, but not limited to: bread ties, milk jug rings, cotton balls, elastic hair bands, Littlest Pet Shop toys, Bendaroos, Air Soft pellets, pens, pencils, medicine bottles, and yes ..Two rolls of Scotch tape. Although I am very relieved to solve the mystery of the tape (I honestly thought I was losing my mind and not in the good way), I now have to figure out which of our kittens is a hoarder and schedule an intervention.
7. Commandment Waivers?
This morning, following a light-hearted banter with our priest at St. Ann's, Fr. Terry instructed Colin "Don't listen to your mother!" Now hold on a minute. Aren't I covered under the 4th Commandment or something? And if the priest is going to give the green light to break random Commandments, I'd love to toss out the ones that involve killing and coveting.
8. Happy McHanukkah
Just like good Catholic mothers everywhere, I am going to try to make latkes for the first time. (Molly and Patrick are of Jewish heritage on the paternal side. Molly's dog is even named Dreidel) If this doesn't work, McDonald's sells some tasty hash browns that are pretty much the same thing. Drive Thru!! Happy Hanukkah!!
9. Rewards of Reading
A few weeks ago, Molly asked me to get her some books from the "Skullduggary" series that she really likes. I went out of my way to get the books from the only library in the area that carries them. She never cracked them open. Too bad for her because when I took them back to the library today, I discovered that some other library patron used a 5 dollar bill as a bookmark and forgot about it. Ha Ha, Molly McCoy. Should have read the books when I told you to. Ka-Ching!
10. The Ominous Chimichanga
Trying to figure out how a completely UNwrapped, once frozen now very thawed beef and bean chimichanga got in the back of my car. I have never purchased a beef and bean chimichanga because they are gross. Maybe this is some version of the old "dead fish in the trunk" prank.
11. Easter Basket Logistics
Last year, I made up this basket for my mother (after she said You ARE making me a basket, RIGHT??) and I filled it with her favorite candies. She informed me, after inspecting my children's baskets, that she "didn't get the same stuff that they did." So we pilfered through their baskets and made her a SECOND basket. Today my mother handed me her empty basket and told me to "just gimme what they are having. I am not fussy." (sigh) I love my mom. :)
12. Fabric Store Fantasia
I am about to enter a fabric store. I hope I make it out without taking out some creepy home-school family or crabby bride-to-be. This could get ugly.
13. Theatrical Acorns
I grew up next door to the Wonderful Whites!! My first memory of Bonnie is of her vacuuming the acorns out of her brick patio while "talking to herself". I thought she was crazy. Later learned she was rehearsing lines with a tape recorder. Still think she's crazy. :)
14. Dog Poop Cookies
We have decided on no bakes for tomorrow. I learned to make them when I was in Mrs. Okita's class in Kindergarten. Choco and butterscotch chips, raisins, peanuts and Chow mein noodles .. melt, add, stir and drop on wax paper. Briefly accuse dog of pooping on tray (just for fun).